Do's and Don'ts
Some tips may seem straightforward. Sure, you know you should keep an open mind, but what happens in the heat of the moment? Do you keep your cool? Or do you only see things your way? Reviewing these Do’s and Don'ts will help keep you focused.
- Prepare for difficult conversations — It will help you organize your thoughts and feelings, and may reduce anxiety.
- Choose your purpose — Not all problems need to be solved; sometimes you first need to discuss what happened or how everyone is feeling.
- Move from certainty to curiosity — Be curious about why someone feels the way they do or interprets a situation the way they did.
- Acknowledge that different things influence our perceptions — We each have different histories with money, family and decision-making in relationships, all of which influence our current views. Even the amount of information available today is overwhelming and impacts what we observe in contrast to others.
- Share your purpose — Express when you just need someone to listen or, on the contrary, when an issue needs resolution.
- Take responsibility — Be accountable for your part in the problem.
- Choose your words carefully — Use "and," not "but."
- Listen and be open to persuasion — Take an active listening role. See if you can figure out why you see it so differently and ultimately consider whether your original view may need adjustment based on what you’ve learned.
- Be open to changing roles — Don't get pigeonholed as the bystander, opposer or even initiator in your family; you need to take on different roles at different times.
- Shift from delivering a message — Approach the conversation from a perspective of sharing information.
- Know when to use humor — Humor can be very helpful when it’s self-deprecating, helps keep perspective or is used to engage someone.
- Invite the conversation — Make sure you’re approachable.
- Hit and run — Don't start a conversation with an offhand comment on the way out the door, or risk an outburst of pent-up feelings by delaying too long.
- Try to persuade — Try to understand the other person's point of view.
- Disregard the other person's perspective and come prepared only to share your proposed solution or answer to a problem.
- Use humor as a weapon — When it's about someone else's personality traits or their family members, or used as a vehicle for the real message, you’ll damage your cause.
- Fall victim to an identity quake — Your feelings about your own identity are impacting your point of view.
- Assume you know the other person's intentions.
- Resort to name calling, character casting or typecasting.
- Place blame — It's the shortest route to defensiveness and denial.
- Let your nonverbal signals override your words — Sometimes gestures, such as eye rolling, can have a bigger impact on the conversation than what you actually say.
- Use words such as "always," "never" or "I feel like you..."
- Push for a particular outcome.
- Take it personally.
